Dear CHINESE PEOPLE,
I know you're new to this whole meat-cooking thing, but you can't just ground up every cut of meat, pour some salt and MSG on it and stir-fry away. Wel...you CAN, but I can promise you the cow didn't give up her life to be turned into bland crap. I mean if you're going to ruin your health anyway with a hunk of red meat, at least take some tips from people who are experts in ruining their health--the South. I know you already know "stir-fry", but here's some supplementary English for you: broil, grill, smoke, barbecue, rotisserie--marinate, rub, massage. Oh, and stop making "desserts" with bean paste. A dessert, by definition, is at least 50% butter. And that's the secret to a short but delicious life.
Dear AMERICANS,
You are hereby banned from using tofu. Ever. Stop shitting on our thousands of years of experience with it and making those ungodly vegetarian patties. I mean who the fuck are you fooling with tofurkey? Why don't you stop molding it into other shit and learn to cook it by itself--spectacular dishes from home-style tofu to spicy numb tofu (unfortunate translation). And while you're at it, stop boiling all your goddamn vegetables. No wonder your kids don't eat their spinach--because it reminds them of the pile of goop you called peas yesterday. Which reminds them of diarrhea.
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i'll have you know i grew up eating soy burgers. they're delicious and they gave me small bitch tits. so suck it, yichen.
ReplyDeleteI actually tried tofurkey this past thanksgiving and it was actually quite good. I mean...if i were to lead an unfortunate, vegetarian lifestyle, I don't think I'd miss turkey too much b/c tofurkey ain't bad. The texture just reminds me of diarrhea.
ReplyDeletei need a humongous like button
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